Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Fun with telemarketers

“Hello, this is – “
“IS THAT YOU?” (sounding excited).  “I’ve been waiting so long for your call.  I got the body chopped up and stuffed in the bag like you told me – now what?”
Wait for the long silence.
Then have fun with them.  Try to convince them they need to help you hide this body. Give suggestions (“There’s a swamp nearby,” you can say kinda thoughtfully.”).  When things get too serious – or they are suggesting you call the cops, tell them: “But it’s one of THEM!  He told me to do it.”  Make up some story about blackmail from a county commissioner; or that you did a ‘hired hit’ – not as a professional – and now you got this body. In a bag.
Or do what my mom did:
“OH MY GOD!” She cried.  “HOW CAN YOU CALL ME AT A TIME LIKE THIS!  MY HUSBAND JUST DIED!  HE’S LAYING ON THE FLOOR RIGHT THERE!  THE AMBULANCE HASN’T EVEN COME!”  And then go into a screaming crying raging fit, trying to elicit as much sympathy – and instill as much guilt for calling her at this time – as humanly possible.
And then you can take it two ways.
1) Ask them if they are selling a life insurance policy. You need one now that your husband died.  And yeah – you wanna take it out on him.  (You can even play the ‘blame game’ – claim you were doing CPR and stopped to take the call, thinking it was the ambulance – and now HE’S DEAD! (cry).
2) Suddenly stop, and in a casual way, become interested in buying their product – whatever it is they’re selling.
and then there’s this one:
“shhhh!” you say quietly the moment you realize who it is.  “There’s a man/stranger in my house. I think he wants to kill me.”  And then go on to tell the telemarketer she/he needs to call 911 – and no, you won’t hang up, you want someone to talk to while this is going on – and occasionally stop to say ‘hush!’ while pretending to listen around.  Then somewhere along the line (before things get TOO serious) – SHRIEK! (real loud, right into the phone) – scream, bang the phone on the counter or floor (but not TOO hard – it’s easy to ‘get into the moment’ and get into the role of this kind of thing – but you don’t wanna be buying a new phone as a result.  That is NOT too funny.)
Then you can either:
a) long silence.  Then do a man’s heavy breathing into the phone. Then hang up.
b) Just let the phone lay around until THEY hang up.
Then be prepared to handle the cops.
Remember: Denial is everything. You don’t know what they are talking about; it must be somebody playing a prank.  Deny, deny, deny.  Give a soft laugh.  Encourage them ‘in’.  If they’ve found ‘evidence’ (e.g. a phone record) – it must be a wrong number.
Liar liar pants on fire, he’s the one who runs as a free man. 
Have fun with them.  I do.  Nothing better on a cloudy rainy day . . . when ‘they’ make the mistake of calling me – and I decide to have some evil fun. (evil grin!)
’nuff said.


  1. This is one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time about telemarketers! Wish I'd read it before I left USA; I sure would've tried out these suggestions!

  2. Thanks for your valuable feedback! yeah, I'm sure if you would have tried it, it would've been fun.

  3. Well I was a telemarketer too, but recently I have switched my job and now I am in customer services.